Hate

You asked me if I was mad at you... You know what I really feel? My head tells me I'm mad. But my heart still spoils for you. I can't be mad at you. But I want to be, so bad. But what good would that do to me? I didn't know what to answer you. I seriously do not know. And all I said was "dko alam." But I was on the verge of, again, telling you what I really felt. And I didn't. Because if I did, I was afraid that you would stay away from me, completely. And it hurts enough that we were in the same room last night. But I knew that we weren't the same, and that we will never be the same again. Ever. It hurts so much that whenever I see you, it shatters my heart that we would never do the things we did before, the things we used to say, the way we held each others' hands, the feelings that we used to feel... All those were gone. And would never return again. And I know that it would make no difference even if I pour my heart out to you now. I don't even know if that would make me feel good. But for now, I choose not to. I cannot wait for the day when I will never see you again. Because then I can fully move on. Because when that day comes, I wouldn't feel the hurt anymore. And hopefully, all that we HAD will be erased from my heart. I'm mad at you for making me feel this way. I'm mad at you for making me feel unappreciated. I'm mad at you because whenever I see you, I literally want to cover my head with a paper bag. I'm mad at you because whenever I see you, I know that we will never look at each other the way we used to. Ever. I'm mad at you because I hate myself now. Hey, that's me consciously accepting the fact that I am mad at you. I pray that I'll be able to forget you as soon as possible.