NOTE TO SELF

sometimes you just have to remind yourself that it'll all be okay. maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but one day. Say it enough that one day you'll actually believe it. Remind yourself that things have changed, it changed for a reason, people change for a reason. you just have to let go and move on. it's going to be hard and you're gonna feel lonely but just hold on, 'cause who's to say tomorrow won't be the best day of your life? --http://phamtastic666.tumblr.com

Hate

You asked me if I was mad at you... You know what I really feel? My head tells me I'm mad. But my heart still spoils for you. I can't be mad at you. But I want to be, so bad. But what good would that do to me? I didn't know what to answer you. I seriously do not know. And all I said was "dko alam." But I was on the verge of, again, telling you what I really felt. And I didn't. Because if I did, I was afraid that you would stay away from me, completely. And it hurts enough that we were in the same room last night. But I knew that we weren't the same, and that we will never be the same again. Ever. It hurts so much that whenever I see you, it shatters my heart that we would never do the things we did before, the things we used to say, the way we held each others' hands, the feelings that we used to feel... All those were gone. And would never return again. And I know that it would make no difference even if I pour my heart out to you now. I don't even know if that would make me feel good. But for now, I choose not to. I cannot wait for the day when I will never see you again. Because then I can fully move on. Because when that day comes, I wouldn't feel the hurt anymore. And hopefully, all that we HAD will be erased from my heart. I'm mad at you for making me feel this way. I'm mad at you for making me feel unappreciated. I'm mad at you because whenever I see you, I literally want to cover my head with a paper bag. I'm mad at you because whenever I see you, I know that we will never look at each other the way we used to. Ever. I'm mad at you because I hate myself now. Hey, that's me consciously accepting the fact that I am mad at you. I pray that I'll be able to forget you as soon as possible.

You got me.

even though you don't text me the moment you wake up, and still wait until the you arrive at your destination before you do. even though you pretty much don't have anything to say but "Haha. Okay :))", and I carry the conversation most of the time. even though you don't greet me good night and always fall asleep when we text at wee hours. even though I feel like you don't care anymore. even though I still don't know what you feel about me, about US. even though you don't like going to far places. even though you don't like phone calls even though you always worry about what we can do while waiting for the movies, like it is such a hard time being with me. even though you're always the one who lets go when we hold hands even though we don't hold hands under the table in front of friends anymore even though i think you were sweeter before even though I think you have changed even though you never send me ">:)" texts anymore even though you never say I miss you anymore even though you're always moody and i think that I'm always the one to blame. even though I find myself crying every night because of you. and tonight was the nth time. even though I really miss you EVERYDAY but i can't do anything about it. even though you won't tell me anything even though you hate my dog and pretty much everything i like even though I think you wouldn't appreciate my "future gifts" to you. That's right, I've been thinking about what to give you this Christmas. and for your birthday. Actually, I have thought of what to give you already. even though I think we're eventually falling apart. even though I think this is coming to an end even though I didn't know why I even made this list even though I don't think that you could ever love me someday even though you didn't even introduce me to your mom. Fine, maybe because I was wearing that short dress. even though we don't take pictures together (when we go out) even though your fb profile picture is a picture of you and another girl. But just a few minutes ago, you changed it already. That's good. even though you forget almost everything that I tell you even though I can't even say that i'm jealous, and sad, and hurt without you changing your mood about it, even though i feel like i'm the one who catches you all the time and you never bother to do the same. even though I should be studying right now and yet I'm still thinking of you. I think of you from the moment I wake up to the moment I close my eyes to sleep. I guess that's why i've been experiencing insomnia episodes lately. even though my eyes look like shit after hours of crying over you, and sometimes, for no reason. And you don't even know that I cry because of you. You think that I'm brave enough to handle all of these. But right now, I could really need a hug from you. Lol what the fuck. A hug. even though i wanna sing to you Adele's "I can't make You Love Me". Cuts through the bones, man! even though you don't think I'm beautiful and you even compared me to your crush, Toni Gonzaga. Oh God, i almost cried at that moment. You were holding my hand and you tell me that i have no asset?! what the fuck dude. i know you were kidding. (actually i dont really know) But, it hurts. Like whuuuuuuut even though you always say "bahala na" every time i invite you to something. I really want you to come. SO BAD. even though my mom really likes you and she has no idea that I am mourning over my feelings for you! Even though these ideas are not "mgkakatugma" even though i have been hurting all this time... ...I LOVE YOU

tough hands

If hands were really meant for holding, then I would not want to let go of yours. Yuckkk. I sound in love lol. Not yet. For now. He gives me fireworks. Yes, not sparks, but fireworks. :"> He plays with my fingers, then I respond by stretching them so they can fit with his. I never really gave meaning to holding hands. Yes, it's sweet. But I thought of it as a cliche that people do. But when it is his hands that I hold, everything changes. I get piloerection everytime lol. holding hands is his thing I guess. Haha. But whatever we have now is clandestine. and we cant just let anybody see us like that. it's kinda funny but whenever we finish eating, we hold hands under the table. Cuuuute :)) And I try to concentrate at what our friends are saying. And before we let go, he squeezes my hand. I can feel the "nginig" of his hands whenever he does that. And I smile because it's as if he is asking for my permission if he can let go now. Or sometimes, he sends back my hands to my lap. And then our hands will go their separate ways lol. but just when I thought it was just that, he would again reach out for my hands. and then I would just smile :) I love it whenever he feels my hands and places it on his face. He looks like a cute and fragile puppy. Haha! I love it when he always exchange places with me when were outside walking or crossing the street. He ALWAYS does that. I'm not used to that actually. But I am now. Sya kasi e. Haha! I love it when he punches me playfully. and when he pinches me so hard that that exact spot will be a bruise for the next 3 or so days. I love it how we never let go of each other that time when we watched This Means War. and we laughed together and curse together because of so much happiness :)) I love it when he pokes my nostrils as if trying to get a booger out of it. Haha! Yes, I let him do that haha! I love it how we can talk about anything. I even love it when he still tries to talk to me even though he is THAT sad and down. Like last night. I dont know how to cheer him up actually. Im not good at that :( I love it when he lets me study at examination nights. I love it when he texts me right after he finish his exams. and even when classes are going on. And even when he always fall asleep texting me, its all right because at least I know that he fell asleep and it was me who he last texted. ako nga ba talaga? lol. HAHA I love so many things about him. And yes, even when he still ate that papaya even though it fell off his plate twice. HAHA!!! But him? Well. Not yet. I hope he falls in love with me first. Srsly. >:))