NOTE TO SELF

sometimes you just have to remind yourself that it'll all be okay. maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but one day. Say it enough that one day you'll actually believe it. Remind yourself that things have changed, it changed for a reason, people change for a reason. you just have to let go and move on. it's going to be hard and you're gonna feel lonely but just hold on, 'cause who's to say tomorrow won't be the best day of your life? --http://phamtastic666.tumblr.com

Hate

You asked me if I was mad at you... You know what I really feel? My head tells me I'm mad. But my heart still spoils for you. I can't be mad at you. But I want to be, so bad. But what good would that do to me? I didn't know what to answer you. I seriously do not know. And all I said was "dko alam." But I was on the verge of, again, telling you what I really felt. And I didn't. Because if I did, I was afraid that you would stay away from me, completely. And it hurts enough that we were in the same room last night. But I knew that we weren't the same, and that we will never be the same again. Ever. It hurts so much that whenever I see you, it shatters my heart that we would never do the things we did before, the things we used to say, the way we held each others' hands, the feelings that we used to feel... All those were gone. And would never return again. And I know that it would make no difference even if I pour my heart out to you now. I don't even know if that would make me feel good. But for now, I choose not to. I cannot wait for the day when I will never see you again. Because then I can fully move on. Because when that day comes, I wouldn't feel the hurt anymore. And hopefully, all that we HAD will be erased from my heart. I'm mad at you for making me feel this way. I'm mad at you for making me feel unappreciated. I'm mad at you because whenever I see you, I literally want to cover my head with a paper bag. I'm mad at you because whenever I see you, I know that we will never look at each other the way we used to. Ever. I'm mad at you because I hate myself now. Hey, that's me consciously accepting the fact that I am mad at you. I pray that I'll be able to forget you as soon as possible.

You got me.

even though you don't text me the moment you wake up, and still wait until the you arrive at your destination before you do. even though you pretty much don't have anything to say but "Haha. Okay :))", and I carry the conversation most of the time. even though you don't greet me good night and always fall asleep when we text at wee hours. even though I feel like you don't care anymore. even though I still don't know what you feel about me, about US. even though you don't like going to far places. even though you don't like phone calls even though you always worry about what we can do while waiting for the movies, like it is such a hard time being with me. even though you're always the one who lets go when we hold hands even though we don't hold hands under the table in front of friends anymore even though i think you were sweeter before even though I think you have changed even though you never send me ">:)" texts anymore even though you never say I miss you anymore even though you're always moody and i think that I'm always the one to blame. even though I find myself crying every night because of you. and tonight was the nth time. even though I really miss you EVERYDAY but i can't do anything about it. even though you won't tell me anything even though you hate my dog and pretty much everything i like even though I think you wouldn't appreciate my "future gifts" to you. That's right, I've been thinking about what to give you this Christmas. and for your birthday. Actually, I have thought of what to give you already. even though I think we're eventually falling apart. even though I think this is coming to an end even though I didn't know why I even made this list even though I don't think that you could ever love me someday even though you didn't even introduce me to your mom. Fine, maybe because I was wearing that short dress. even though we don't take pictures together (when we go out) even though your fb profile picture is a picture of you and another girl. But just a few minutes ago, you changed it already. That's good. even though you forget almost everything that I tell you even though I can't even say that i'm jealous, and sad, and hurt without you changing your mood about it, even though i feel like i'm the one who catches you all the time and you never bother to do the same. even though I should be studying right now and yet I'm still thinking of you. I think of you from the moment I wake up to the moment I close my eyes to sleep. I guess that's why i've been experiencing insomnia episodes lately. even though my eyes look like shit after hours of crying over you, and sometimes, for no reason. And you don't even know that I cry because of you. You think that I'm brave enough to handle all of these. But right now, I could really need a hug from you. Lol what the fuck. A hug. even though i wanna sing to you Adele's "I can't make You Love Me". Cuts through the bones, man! even though you don't think I'm beautiful and you even compared me to your crush, Toni Gonzaga. Oh God, i almost cried at that moment. You were holding my hand and you tell me that i have no asset?! what the fuck dude. i know you were kidding. (actually i dont really know) But, it hurts. Like whuuuuuuut even though you always say "bahala na" every time i invite you to something. I really want you to come. SO BAD. even though my mom really likes you and she has no idea that I am mourning over my feelings for you! Even though these ideas are not "mgkakatugma" even though i have been hurting all this time... ...I LOVE YOU

tough hands

If hands were really meant for holding, then I would not want to let go of yours. Yuckkk. I sound in love lol. Not yet. For now. He gives me fireworks. Yes, not sparks, but fireworks. :"> He plays with my fingers, then I respond by stretching them so they can fit with his. I never really gave meaning to holding hands. Yes, it's sweet. But I thought of it as a cliche that people do. But when it is his hands that I hold, everything changes. I get piloerection everytime lol. holding hands is his thing I guess. Haha. But whatever we have now is clandestine. and we cant just let anybody see us like that. it's kinda funny but whenever we finish eating, we hold hands under the table. Cuuuute :)) And I try to concentrate at what our friends are saying. And before we let go, he squeezes my hand. I can feel the "nginig" of his hands whenever he does that. And I smile because it's as if he is asking for my permission if he can let go now. Or sometimes, he sends back my hands to my lap. And then our hands will go their separate ways lol. but just when I thought it was just that, he would again reach out for my hands. and then I would just smile :) I love it whenever he feels my hands and places it on his face. He looks like a cute and fragile puppy. Haha! I love it when he always exchange places with me when were outside walking or crossing the street. He ALWAYS does that. I'm not used to that actually. But I am now. Sya kasi e. Haha! I love it when he punches me playfully. and when he pinches me so hard that that exact spot will be a bruise for the next 3 or so days. I love it how we never let go of each other that time when we watched This Means War. and we laughed together and curse together because of so much happiness :)) I love it when he pokes my nostrils as if trying to get a booger out of it. Haha! Yes, I let him do that haha! I love it how we can talk about anything. I even love it when he still tries to talk to me even though he is THAT sad and down. Like last night. I dont know how to cheer him up actually. Im not good at that :( I love it when he lets me study at examination nights. I love it when he texts me right after he finish his exams. and even when classes are going on. And even when he always fall asleep texting me, its all right because at least I know that he fell asleep and it was me who he last texted. ako nga ba talaga? lol. HAHA I love so many things about him. And yes, even when he still ate that papaya even though it fell off his plate twice. HAHA!!! But him? Well. Not yet. I hope he falls in love with me first. Srsly. >:))

sorry naman

you see, this guy likes me. but i dont like him back because i like someone else. and that someone else does not know that i actually like him. i dont wanna tell him... alam nyo kasi, ako ung tipong sobrang babaw. ako ung tipong, when a friend tells a sweet story of something that her boyfriend did to her or for her, prmise, mas kikiligin pako sa kaibigan ko. HAHA. MABABAW LANG TALAGA KO. un na ngam si boy #1 bought me flowers without me knowing it. and the worst part pa nun, dinala nya sa bahay around 10PM habang ako ay nasa night shift duty ko. Takte. HAHA. SPELL E F F O R T! Grabe lang eh. Hinarap nya yung kuya ko, tsaka si papa! oh ehm!! :)) Kaso ito lang e, bakit di ako msyadong kinilig? alam mo yun, knowing my self, dpat naiyak na ko nun eh? HAHA. Kaso hindi. Pero i really appreciated it and I dont know how i could repay it. BUT, HNDI KO TALAGA SYA GUSTO KAHIT ANONG PILIT KO. SORRY NA. alam mo yun, andami ko na ngang pinag-aaralan, pati mahalin sya pag-aaralan ko pa? and besides, may gusto daw kasi akong iba kaya ganun ako skanya. Bakit mas gusto ko pa ata dun sa choice na mas mhihirapan ako. HAHA! Pero in fairness, kahit wala ko feelings kay boy number 1, nahirapan pa din ako sa sitwasyon na pinaparanas nya sakin. HAHA! Ang bitch ko nga daw eh. Pero come to think of it, mas bitch ako kung patatagalin ko pa yung panliligaw nya at ittake advantage ko lang sya diba. so i actually decided to end it na. give it proper closure and all that. Kaso nkaramdam ata ang gago. Inunahan ako. Sabi ko lang naman na may sasabihin ako, WALA NAMAN AKONG IBANG GINAGAWA, buglang ganun. Hahahahaha! Ang funny lang, akala nya magiging affected ako? Lol. Sya pa nagcancel ng lakad namin ah? KFINE! IDFC!:)) Pero youre prolly thinking na if i dont fuucking care, then why am i blogging about him? Wala lang. I just realized na, kahit anong EFFORT pa ng lalaki. Kahit ano pang sabihin nya (kahit ung mga tipo ng salita na pinapangarap mong masabi sayo). Kahit ano pang gawin nya at iparamdam nya, kahit gaano ka pa kababaw, kung di mo lang din sya gusto at wala kang plano gustuhin, WALA KA TALAGANG MARARAMDAMAN. Gaya nga ng sinabi ng friend ko, you dont tell someone na there are a lot of fishes in the sea o kaya, andami pang lalaki dyan. Kasi may iisa lang talaga para sayo. I know that what ive decided is final. alam ko ang nararamdaman ko. alam ko ang ayaw ko at gusto ko. At desidido na kong di kami magiging more than friends. E muka nga ding bitter na sya sakin ngayon? :)) Sorry na kasi. Wala naman akong kasalanan ah.

just friends

Hello, tell me you know, yeah, you've figured me out Something gave it away And it would be such a beautiful moment to see the look on your face To know that I know that you know now And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking You know nothing 'Cause you and I, why we go carrying on for hours on end We get along much better than you and your boyfriend (girlfriend sana lol) Well, all I really want to do is love you A kind much closer than friends use But I still can't say it after all we've been through And all I really want from you is to feel me As the feeling inside keeps building And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me Well, how long can I go on like this, wishing to kiss you Before I rightly explode And this double life I lead isn't healthy for me, in fact it makes me nervous If I get caught I could be risking it all Well, baby there's a lot that I miss in case I'm wrong If I should be so bold, I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand Tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man But I never said a word I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again And all I really want from you is to feel me It's a feeling inside that keeps building And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me It might kill me

TODAY IS PROBABLY THE MOST FRUSTRATING AND WORST DAY OF ALL. SO FAR. NAPAGALITAN NA NGA NG BONGGA, HINDI MAKAGAWA NG STUNT NG MAAYOS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? :( ituck pa ng maayos pero bakit parang yun din naman gnagawa ko dati. O sadyang malungkot lang ako lol. Nakakatamad iblog to. Imma update this next time na. out!

that indie film starring 2 mainstream casts

Lat sunday, I got to watch I Do, starring Enchong Dee and Erich Gonzales. Its about a young couple, and the guy accidentally got the girl pregnant. the guy is form a chinese family. and you know chinese culture, chinese are meant for chinese only. lol. there was this line that stuck me. Enchong told Erich: "di ko alam na mas maiinlove pa pala ko sayo. " i was like TANGINA, pag may nagsabi sakin nun, i would cry. like literally. HAHAHA. I'd die of joy. besides from eating anything i want without getting fat, my other dream is to find and have a guy who would love me and find me flawlessly perfect despite of my imperfections and endless insecurities. seriously, when will that kind of guy come to me? I thank God for giving me the patience to wait

Flowers

I could say that flowers are my kryptonite. I'd literally melt if I were given flowers. Di kasi ako sanay na mabigyan nun. I received my first bouquet (bukod sa mga contests etc.) nung 18th birthday ko. And from a girl pa, from Kapatid. and I cried. What if it came from a boy pa (pero syempre, someone that I have feelings for dapat lol) (walang kwenta kasi ex ko haha!) I just randomly thought about flowers tonight. I just thought, na siguro, madali akong suyuin - flowers. LOL. Hindi naman ako mahirap mahalin e (ansabeh!). I dont know why nobody would dare to...

Popped Heart Seams and Bubble Dreams: MY MULTIPLY ACCOUNT FOR PHTOS!

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