sorry naman

you see, this guy likes me. but i dont like him back because i like someone else. and that someone else does not know that i actually like him. i dont wanna tell him... alam nyo kasi, ako ung tipong sobrang babaw. ako ung tipong, when a friend tells a sweet story of something that her boyfriend did to her or for her, prmise, mas kikiligin pako sa kaibigan ko. HAHA. MABABAW LANG TALAGA KO. un na ngam si boy #1 bought me flowers without me knowing it. and the worst part pa nun, dinala nya sa bahay around 10PM habang ako ay nasa night shift duty ko. Takte. HAHA. SPELL E F F O R T! Grabe lang eh. Hinarap nya yung kuya ko, tsaka si papa! oh ehm!! :)) Kaso ito lang e, bakit di ako msyadong kinilig? alam mo yun, knowing my self, dpat naiyak na ko nun eh? HAHA. Kaso hindi. Pero i really appreciated it and I dont know how i could repay it. BUT, HNDI KO TALAGA SYA GUSTO KAHIT ANONG PILIT KO. SORRY NA. alam mo yun, andami ko na ngang pinag-aaralan, pati mahalin sya pag-aaralan ko pa? and besides, may gusto daw kasi akong iba kaya ganun ako skanya. Bakit mas gusto ko pa ata dun sa choice na mas mhihirapan ako. HAHA! Pero in fairness, kahit wala ko feelings kay boy number 1, nahirapan pa din ako sa sitwasyon na pinaparanas nya sakin. HAHA! Ang bitch ko nga daw eh. Pero come to think of it, mas bitch ako kung patatagalin ko pa yung panliligaw nya at ittake advantage ko lang sya diba. so i actually decided to end it na. give it proper closure and all that. Kaso nkaramdam ata ang gago. Inunahan ako. Sabi ko lang naman na may sasabihin ako, WALA NAMAN AKONG IBANG GINAGAWA, buglang ganun. Hahahahaha! Ang funny lang, akala nya magiging affected ako? Lol. Sya pa nagcancel ng lakad namin ah? KFINE! IDFC!:)) Pero youre prolly thinking na if i dont fuucking care, then why am i blogging about him? Wala lang. I just realized na, kahit anong EFFORT pa ng lalaki. Kahit ano pang sabihin nya (kahit ung mga tipo ng salita na pinapangarap mong masabi sayo). Kahit ano pang gawin nya at iparamdam nya, kahit gaano ka pa kababaw, kung di mo lang din sya gusto at wala kang plano gustuhin, WALA KA TALAGANG MARARAMDAMAN. Gaya nga ng sinabi ng friend ko, you dont tell someone na there are a lot of fishes in the sea o kaya, andami pang lalaki dyan. Kasi may iisa lang talaga para sayo. I know that what ive decided is final. alam ko ang nararamdaman ko. alam ko ang ayaw ko at gusto ko. At desidido na kong di kami magiging more than friends. E muka nga ding bitter na sya sakin ngayon? :)) Sorry na kasi. Wala naman akong kasalanan ah.

just friends

Hello, tell me you know, yeah, you've figured me out Something gave it away And it would be such a beautiful moment to see the look on your face To know that I know that you know now And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking You know nothing 'Cause you and I, why we go carrying on for hours on end We get along much better than you and your boyfriend (girlfriend sana lol) Well, all I really want to do is love you A kind much closer than friends use But I still can't say it after all we've been through And all I really want from you is to feel me As the feeling inside keeps building And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me Well, how long can I go on like this, wishing to kiss you Before I rightly explode And this double life I lead isn't healthy for me, in fact it makes me nervous If I get caught I could be risking it all Well, baby there's a lot that I miss in case I'm wrong If I should be so bold, I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand Tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man But I never said a word I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again And all I really want from you is to feel me It's a feeling inside that keeps building And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me It might kill me

TODAY IS PROBABLY THE MOST FRUSTRATING AND WORST DAY OF ALL. SO FAR. NAPAGALITAN NA NGA NG BONGGA, HINDI MAKAGAWA NG STUNT NG MAAYOS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? :( ituck pa ng maayos pero bakit parang yun din naman gnagawa ko dati. O sadyang malungkot lang ako lol. Nakakatamad iblog to. Imma update this next time na. out!

that indie film starring 2 mainstream casts

Lat sunday, I got to watch I Do, starring Enchong Dee and Erich Gonzales. Its about a young couple, and the guy accidentally got the girl pregnant. the guy is form a chinese family. and you know chinese culture, chinese are meant for chinese only. lol. there was this line that stuck me. Enchong told Erich: "di ko alam na mas maiinlove pa pala ko sayo. " i was like TANGINA, pag may nagsabi sakin nun, i would cry. like literally. HAHAHA. I'd die of joy. besides from eating anything i want without getting fat, my other dream is to find and have a guy who would love me and find me flawlessly perfect despite of my imperfections and endless insecurities. seriously, when will that kind of guy come to me? I thank God for giving me the patience to wait

Flowers

I could say that flowers are my kryptonite. I'd literally melt if I were given flowers. Di kasi ako sanay na mabigyan nun. I received my first bouquet (bukod sa mga contests etc.) nung 18th birthday ko. And from a girl pa, from Kapatid. and I cried. What if it came from a boy pa (pero syempre, someone that I have feelings for dapat lol) (walang kwenta kasi ex ko haha!) I just randomly thought about flowers tonight. I just thought, na siguro, madali akong suyuin - flowers. LOL. Hindi naman ako mahirap mahalin e (ansabeh!). I dont know why nobody would dare to...

Popped Heart Seams and Bubble Dreams: MY MULTIPLY ACCOUNT FOR PHTOS!

http://automaticayley.multiply.com/

MY MULTIPLY ACCOUNT FOR PHTOS!

For some freakin reason, I cant seem to make the url photo add-on work/appear. WHY!!! So... I decided to make my multiply, my photo blog. ANSAVEEH!!

Unsweetened

I saw him today. I didnt expect that I would expect myself to hope that I could talk to him. I just wanted to see him kasi im curious lang sa mukha nya ngayon. Lels. Bakit ang pogi? Or baka kaya lang ganun kasi I used to love him. Im over him na talaga eh. Super. And I was sure of that. Promise. I still am sure naman. Pasulyap sulyyap pa nga ko ng pasimple. Syempre dapat pakipot. Kaso iniisip naman nila na pumunta lang ako dahil andun sya. Hindi kaya. Hahaha. Ngkataon lang. Lels.

Anyway, ayun nga. Sulyap. Expected ko kasi lalapit sya at sya yung unang kakausap sakin. Because that is what he always do. Ngkangitian lang kami. Kasi naman tinawag nila ko. Ang laki nga ng HI nya sakin e :) Kakamiss naman lol. Tapos nakita ko syang unang lumabas, I thought he went home na. Ang tagal kaya naming nasa loob pa. Tas pglabas ko andun pa sya. Kaso nagfire exit na kami and I pretended that I was texting.

Alam mo yun, gustung gusto ko syang makita kaso ayoko din. Mahirap na? Lol. Bakit ganun. Bakit parang biglang kinain ko lahat ng sinabi ko? Or baka ganito lang tlaga pag may grudge ka pa din sa taong you once loved? Pinatawad ko na naman sya, sa sarili ko. Pero he didnt actually apologize to me before. I didnt ask for his apology. Wala din naman syang kusa. Gago kasi talaga yun. Or sakin lang sya ganun? Lels.

Naisip ko lang talaga? Baka talagang di pa ko FULLY moved on? at ayoko lang aminin? kasi bakit ako ganito sa kanya? Naiinis ako. Siguro di ko pa din tlga sya npapatawad sa nagawa nya. Was I not worth an explanation? Help.

Just in case i get a job interview.

Tell me about yourself.

Well, I am Eleanor Cortez. Friends call me Eli. Some people take that as a boy's name. What the hell. Ive been using that since 5th grade HAHA. I am a very sociable person. A friend of mine calls me everyone's bestfriend. I am easy to get along with. EASY i tell ya. I have a few to say about other people. I am not judgmental. I simply observe. I am a good listener. I rarely talk. Im better with writing.

So anyway, did I mention that I am sociable? HAHA. I love attending parties because I love dressing up. and meeting people too, i guess. But a major part of it, is still the dressing up part.

I love music just as much I love myself. I love dogs just as much I love music. Speaking of love, I am single and sometimes, readily available lol! I am a hopeless romantic. I love cheesy stuff. lol (pwedeng literally kasi I love cheese too!) I am pretty much motivated when I am inspired. I get inspired when I am in love but since I am not, I use myself as my own inspiration, aside from my parents. Teehee.

What are your strengths and weaknesses?

My strength would be the fact that I am a good communicator. As I have said I am a sociable person even though I rarely talk. With our line of work, it is important that you know how to deal with people. I am also a good listener and a fast learner. I am very flexible and I don't have problems working with groups. I easily get along well with whoever I work with.

My weakness is that I am sensitive. But I use this sensitivity constructively, and be aware of what others think of me and then get right back on track. I panic easily, but I can compose myself together and get things done.

How can you be an asset to our institution?

First of all, the fact that I am a graduate of Chinese General Hospital College of Nursing is already a big plus. (big grin) Because we all know that it is well known for giving high quality nursing education. I am an asset to this institution because I am disciplined, I am committed and passionate.

Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

Ive always dreamed of living in New York. And honestly, 5 years from now, I see myself working and happily stable in New York. Dont get me wrong, but we all have our preferences right? I would really love to work there and I believe that working in this institution will help me to be better, more competent and fully equipped to the best of my abilities and eventually be the best nurse that I can be to be able to make it well there.

Rate yourself, with 10 being the highest.

I won't rate myself as a perfect 10 because I can't please everyone. I'm pretty average so I'll start with a 6. But because I trust myself with this line of work, I'll add 1 point which would make it a 7. And because I'm a good learner and I'm willing to learn, I'll add another point, which makes it 8. And lastly, because I'm a Chinese Gen graduate where students are smart, skilled and disciplined, I am, therefore, a 9. HOHO!

CConfidence and Flattery is the key. HAHA! I think. Lol

PINOY NAGMAMAGALING

HAY NAKO! BAKIT ANG MGA PINOY ANG HILIG MAGSELF MEDICATE?! AT NAKAKAINIS PA DUN, GANUN YUNG MGA MAGULANG KO. NATURINGAN PA NAMAN AKONG NASA MEDICAL FIELD TAPOS DI KO SILA MADISIPLINA. GIVE UP AKO EH! ILANG BESES KO NA SILA PINAGSASABIHAN. ANG KUKULIT! ANG TITIGAS NG ULO! SABI NG MAGPA-CHECK UP MUNA EH! MAG-IPON KAYA KO PARA MAPA-CHECK UP SI PAPA. KASO NAKAKAINIS, BA'T ANDAMI KO KASING LUHO. BUTI NA LANG, SKIN PROBLEM LANG UNG KE PAPA. NAKOOOO, NAGPABILI NA NAMAN NG AMOXICILLIN KANINA! BAKA RESISTANT NA YUN SA KANYA NAKO TALAGA! ANG HIRAP MAGPALAKI NG MAGULANG. INIYAKAN KO PA NAMAN SILA KANINA LOL. YUNG REVIEWER KASI NAMIN EH LOL! NAKAKAINIS TLAGA! ALL-CAPS TULOY AKO NGAYON!

TOPNOTCHER!

You're now in your Fourth year, You're not supposed to have a life.

and then everyone laughed. Hahaha. And so did I.
I know that I said that I'm gonna give up my social life for this school year. But those lines struck me. I felt like this was the beginning of misery.

Misery, apart from the past 3 years of sleepless nights, is a typical life of a CGHCN student lol. But all the hardwork will be payed off. I just know it. And all I have to do is READ. Sounds easy. It ain't. I have to study at least 4 hours EVERYDAY. I'm not used to that. I never did that before. Hahaha. And I'm gonna do it from now on lol.

Our reviewer told us to write an oath or something. Oath to ourselves that we will change our old ways and try to do that Time Management thing and in July 2012, top the PNLE! :)

This is what I wrote:

I'm willing to give up my social life to, hopefully, top the board exam! I'm going to read books. And then read again, and read again. This one is for my parents. I'm going to make them proud, and Sir Chung and Dean and Sir Sonny, and my batch mates proud. I'm going to give my best and what they think is best to be able to pull this off. With all of these, I'm going to discipline myself, study everyday, and use my parents as inspirations. I'm going to get myself together and top the PNLE 2012. So help me God :)

green machines

This is my other look. That animal print top right there is actually a dress. I paired it up with a high waist skirt and a belt. The blazer is from a thrift shop at Baguio, got it for 250php. :) I love this blazer cos I can actually flip it from the inside-out. It's really cool :)

Okay, I'm done haha:)

Manila Day: Falcon strikes!

So, last night I was actually thinking of writing a "bad boy" blog. But then again, when i woke up this morning, I was not in the mood. And the weather is very gloomy. I have no classes. It's Manila day. But you cant really enjoy it because Falcon, the typhoon is currently clashing with the country hahaha what?! So instead, I put on these clothes, took my camera and took pictures of myself. It's really hard, just so you know, to take full body shots of yourself. by yourself hahahaha!
Tadaaaa!

that jacket was given to me by my mom last night. I asked it from her. actually she voluntarily gave it to me. Hahaha. And the dress underneath it is from Mint.
This is my look for the rainy season lol!

Love Story

Have I been in love?

Have you ever signed a slumbook before? I love signing those things!
There's that one question that's really not suited for 9-year old kids haha!
"Have you ever been in love?"

i am now a 19-year old hopeless romantic. I have had 3 ex's. And out of the blue, I asked myself. Have I really been in love? And you know what I said to myself?
No.

Friends who know me when I'm in a relationship may think that I am a die-hard lover. And I don't know why. (omg i cant believe I'm writing a love blog while watching an action movie: A-Team hahaha!) I, too, think of that with myself. But looking back, I don't know what happens with me when I think that I seem to be in a "love" state. Or at least that's what I think it is...

My first boyfriend was when I was 12. I know right?! ang aga kong lumandi haha! We went out for a month! Okay, not really "went out". We were "official" for a month or so. I was the one who broke up with him. and I dont even remember why. and you know what, I felt nothing after that. He's friends with my HS friends. and have just broken up with his 2-year-or-so cute girlfriend. Nanghinayang nga ko sa kanila eh.

My second boyfriend was when I was 15. He was a friend of my friend. We all hung out together. And eventually, I fell for him first. And then he fell for me. That relationship was the hardest because we both got in trouble with my mom and aunt. So many things happened and there came a point where we never really got to see each other. We wrote each other love letters. He would sometimes sneak into our house. And we would talk to each other whispering. He was my first kiss. Ah, forbidden love. After 3 months, he broke up with me. But he never said it. He just made me feel it; didnt answer my calls and texts and stuff. I cried. Oh god, I REALLY CRIED. First heartbreak. Maybe that's why it took me like 8 months or so to move on and forget about everything. I dont really know if he was my first love. I dont think so. Right now, he is happily living with his girlfriend after me, and their soon to be 1-year old son. I am truly happy for them :)

My third and recent boyfriend was when I was 17. My first real boyfriend, I should say. Because we studied at the same school and all that. Until he didnt want to study anymore. Gago kasi e haha! We went out. Did things that lovers say and do. I was really happy with him. He used to be the it-guy at campus because he's really really really a good dancer. and it turns me on lol! My friends had a crush on him pa nga eh. Haha. I loved him but he has this "attitide" of being ma-pride and all that. People could tell that I loved him more than he loved me. And that's just sad. We broke up. We talked about it. But I didnt really want it to end, but I just agreed with it 'cause I was really hurt. And I guess I became tired of being a push-over and being the one attached at all times to his hip. So you could say that he was the one who broke up with me. After like a year, we got together again. It was my 18th birthday, I invited him and a few friends. Got a little tipsy and all. Next thing you know, he's with me at an annual school medical check-up. We never really talked about anything. But he did tell me that he's not looking for anything serious. I couldnt do anything about it. I didnt need to. Just as long as he was with me. That was all I really cared about. And then I found out that he had another girlfriend. and another one. And flirts with another one. and another one? What a bitch right? I got really hurt. Again. And since then I didnt talk with him ever again. And that's how it ended. No closure.

So with my question, I just came up with the conclusion that I just thought that I have been in love. But I'm really not sure about that though. I think that with my second boyfriend, I have just been overwhelmed because I never got to actually hang out with my first one. Oh my, I was twelve for pete's sake. And I had the impression that I was really in love with him because as I have said earlier, it took me months before I got over everything. I guess you dont really need to count the duration of the time you spend reminiscing and crying over that relationship. That's kind of illogical, come to think of it. And with my last "love", I guess I have just became blind and foolish and stupid. But that's what love makes you right? Okay, now I'm confused...

Whatever it is that I've felt, whatever it is that I will feel, I know that I will know IT when IT comes. or come again. And whether it would knock me off my feet, or make me take my pants off, or make me wanna be a better person, or make me wanna cry and laugh and pee, I know that it would feel right if it is love. I know that I would know it. I know that God will make me know.